I started experiencing a strange feeling over the last few weeks.
On Monday evenings, I wake up, get dressed, eat, and drive to work. Once I get to work I find myself asking this question,
"Why am I still here?"
It's like my mind is finding it harder and harder to adapt to the soul crushing monotony of menial labor where my ability to help people is small and my pay is even less.
The first week it was just a strange sense of disorientation, like when you haven't done some habitual task for several days and find yourself trying to find your bearings again.
The next week the sensation was much more pronounced and the question "Why am I still here" first arrived. I started to see the negativity and hopelessness around me and was just like, "I gotta get out of here."
Tonight it came back even stronger and brought with it even more symptoms. I spent most of Sunday night watching the TLC show "Hoarders: Buried Alive" and getting so incredibly pissed that they were subjecting these people to useless unsuccessful treatments at the hands of bumbling Psychotherapists and 'Professional Organizers' (what are they gonna do? Make more space for them to fill???) when they could get at LEAST 3 times as much success in 1/100th the time with effective Hypnotherapy!
*sigh*
Do I think I'm ready to open my own practice? No, not in the least.
Do I want to? Well not right now, I have enough foresight to know I haven't learned near enough for that yet.
Do I want to help others? A most emphatic YES.
Any takers?
Aika
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Random Post of Internet Awesome
Okay this is just pure hedonism on my part. I stumbled across this video on YouTube and was immediately entranced. Who knew South Korea could make such an adorable Boy Band? And so colorful!!!
Well apparently DJ Masa made a mashup of BIGBANG's (that's the Korean boy band) song 'Lollipop' and the great Lady Gaga's 'Telephone.'
And what resulted was very epic.
So bask for a moment in it's glory, or at least let me, lol.
Aika
Monday, April 19, 2010
Great Literature on the Go!
So, as everyone is bound to know by now, I'm completely infatuated with Sherlock Holmes. I bought the paperback versions of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Holmes stories but was faced pretty rapidly with the fact that I've got FAR too many books to read: CUUPs books, School books, Manga, Spiritual Books, ETC. There's just no way I see myself getting to my good old chaps Sherlock and John anytime soon. Plus I was lamenting the fact that I couldn't listen to my school books on the 2.5-3hr drive between Lakeland and Gainesville. I had tried to find some audio books recordings for Sherlock Holmes but the ones I had found just hadn't captured my interest, either they were too unprofessional or the British accent was so think I was having difficulties driving and listening on the fly.
I was about to give up on my Holmes-ie when I decided to try one more time and came across the audio book recording for 'A Study in Scarlet' made by Project Gutenberg. And let me tell you, it was perfect. Very clear (though it could have been louder there's not much helping that) and the narrator is splendid, I love his Holmes to death. ^.^
I guess to make a short post even shorter I'm just writing about this cause when I told Lyle that I had gotten my recordings from Project Gutenberg her was surprised and commented that he thought they only did digital books. So here's my pimping out of classical literature! If you're interested in some awesome classical literature in either digital or audio format, check out Project Gutenberg!
Archive.org's Project Gutenberg Page
Friday, April 16, 2010
Holy Breathwork Batman!
Wow...
...just wow.
If you ever have a chance to experience breathwork (and since most all of you know me personally you will,lol) do so! I had heard for weeks vague references to breathwork and the powerful effects it could cause, but all those anecdotes pale in comparison to actually experiencing it for yourself.
Matthew started out today by explaining how breathwork works and how I was supposed to breath, the cadence, posture, etc. He explained that we would be working in 4-5 10 minute cycles of breathing and checking in between segments to see what I was feeling or experiencing. I may not have an emotional reaction immediately, that most people don't start to have a reaction until about 3 cycles in and some longer than that, it just depends on the person and how deep their emotions are buried.
So I laid flat in the recliner, he put out the lights (except for the light from his computer screen) and I began to breathe.
Starting out my mouth seemed to dry up quickly and I would occasionally lapse out of breathing, in which case Matthew would tap on his knee and signal me to continue breathing. I made it through probably 2 full cycles before I started to have a reaction, though I did report the tingling in my arms and legs, alternating heat and cold in my chest, etc.
Finally I started to have a reaction. It hard to determine exactly how it went down in hindsight, but I'll try and assemble it to the best of my abilities.
At some point I began to have 'impressions' as I call them and the first few times I pushed them aside thinking my thoughts were wandering. I quickly realized though that my impressions were of my bedroom as a child and I quickly realized that this must be the memory breaking through so I brought it back and began to look in. The details were, while not startling, pretty vivid. I couldn't remember every detail of the room, but in my defense it was dark so I couldn't exactly see everything, though I did have a very strong grasp of the layout of the room.
As I started to sink into the scene I began to cry, and immediately looked in expected to find sadness, being as the emotion had come up before. However I started to get the feeling, very quickly actually that this wasn't sadness, it was something else.
Fear.
Very soon I wasn't looking down on the scene so much as I was IN the scene, I was having a revivication (re living a memory). I was curled up in my water bed, my arms wrapped tight around my knees, though I can't tell if I was sitting up or laying on my side. I began to hear footsteps coming toward my room and I saw the shadows of two feet stretch out from under the door.
At this point my revivication became an abreaction, I started to feel the emotions of the memory incredibly intensely, I was sobbing, thrashing my head and finally reaching up to cover my face in my hands. My simple fear morphed into abject terror, a level of panic I'm not sure I can recall ever feeling before. Thoughts were racing through my head on my terror driven adrenaline high, there was a man standing outside my door, a man I knew but I still could not name and I kept repeating "He mustn't know, He mustn't know." Slowly the shadows receded and the man walked past my door and into the kitchen beyond and I broke down sobbing in relief.
At this point my adult self was able to disengage from the abreaction and look at the scene objectively again. I was still crying, I was still feeling it, but a part of my mind could disengage and begin the investigating process. I imagined my adult self all around the child me (who I came to age at 5 yr old) and started the questioning, "Who was that? Who? Who?" With every breath I imagined like I was drawing water from a well, every outtake thinking "Who? Who?" and imaging that I was pulling out the information.
After a couple of minutes I was not able to glean who the man was, though I reinforced the information I already stated, and instead switched to "Why? Why must he not know?" (note I may have asked what he must not know first but this got no answer either way). After a few times asking why he must not know I got the answer, "Because he will act" he would act upon this knowledge. As I stated before I got no direct response to 'what' however there were other mitigating circumstances and feelings that occurred that implied an answer, however I'm not comfortable discussing them online. Maybe after further treatment, but not now.
After several minutes of questioning it became apparent that I could get no new information and, since I knew my time would be up soon anyway, I began to disengage and did what felt right, I comforted the little girl. I told her it was okay, that the danger is long since passed and that there's nothing to fear now. You can calm down and relax, rest. My breathing evened and the tears stopped and I was able to come out of the exercise and explain to Matthew what had happened (I hadn't spoken during the experience). He and I discussed it, he said it was a perfect session by the way, lol, and he thought it couldn't have gone better. We made plans to try regression therapy next week and he assured me that even though it seemed I'd done a good job of wrapping up the memory so it wouldn't bother me in the mean time, that I was welcome to pull him aside at any time this weekend if I was facing any difficulties.
As I talked with him afterward I told him I sat there with this incredible sense of ecstasy. I felt amazing, even having seen what I had seen, having faced the possible issues I would face, I felt fantastic.
Then I tried to get up out of the chair.
And I fell over.
I was drunk on Oxygen, get that.
I have never been so dizzy and had so much vertigo. Though at the time I was still in an intensely blissful state so it was a minor hindrance (trying not to walk into walls) and I remember laughing openly in the parking lot as I leaned against my car and tried to get the world to stop swimming. Finally my balance evened out and I went out for lunch, still in a smashing good mood.
However I hadn't been out of the office 30 minutes before I started to deflate like a balloon. The euphoric feeling left and I was left completely drained of energy, my lunch sitting in my stomach like a rock. I went home and tried to nap for an hour and a half but to little avail (it's hard to sleep when you've got fries sitting on your gut.) So I got up and headed to class early and settled in sluggishly.
Thankfully I was the first to arrive and I had a chance to ask Matthew about the situation and he assured me that it was normal and that I would be right again after a good nights sleep. So reassured that nothing had gone terribly wrong I made it thorough class and even found my strength and sense of balance return somewhat so that I'm not so bad off now as I write this. I as still tired though and I'll probably head right to bed after this.
Thanks to everyone who reads this, you don't have to of course and please know I value you all very dearly as friends. I can't wait to see you all soon.
Aika
...just wow.
If you ever have a chance to experience breathwork (and since most all of you know me personally you will,lol) do so! I had heard for weeks vague references to breathwork and the powerful effects it could cause, but all those anecdotes pale in comparison to actually experiencing it for yourself.
Matthew started out today by explaining how breathwork works and how I was supposed to breath, the cadence, posture, etc. He explained that we would be working in 4-5 10 minute cycles of breathing and checking in between segments to see what I was feeling or experiencing. I may not have an emotional reaction immediately, that most people don't start to have a reaction until about 3 cycles in and some longer than that, it just depends on the person and how deep their emotions are buried.
So I laid flat in the recliner, he put out the lights (except for the light from his computer screen) and I began to breathe.
Starting out my mouth seemed to dry up quickly and I would occasionally lapse out of breathing, in which case Matthew would tap on his knee and signal me to continue breathing. I made it through probably 2 full cycles before I started to have a reaction, though I did report the tingling in my arms and legs, alternating heat and cold in my chest, etc.
Finally I started to have a reaction. It hard to determine exactly how it went down in hindsight, but I'll try and assemble it to the best of my abilities.
At some point I began to have 'impressions' as I call them and the first few times I pushed them aside thinking my thoughts were wandering. I quickly realized though that my impressions were of my bedroom as a child and I quickly realized that this must be the memory breaking through so I brought it back and began to look in. The details were, while not startling, pretty vivid. I couldn't remember every detail of the room, but in my defense it was dark so I couldn't exactly see everything, though I did have a very strong grasp of the layout of the room.
As I started to sink into the scene I began to cry, and immediately looked in expected to find sadness, being as the emotion had come up before. However I started to get the feeling, very quickly actually that this wasn't sadness, it was something else.
Fear.
Very soon I wasn't looking down on the scene so much as I was IN the scene, I was having a revivication (re living a memory). I was curled up in my water bed, my arms wrapped tight around my knees, though I can't tell if I was sitting up or laying on my side. I began to hear footsteps coming toward my room and I saw the shadows of two feet stretch out from under the door.
At this point my revivication became an abreaction, I started to feel the emotions of the memory incredibly intensely, I was sobbing, thrashing my head and finally reaching up to cover my face in my hands. My simple fear morphed into abject terror, a level of panic I'm not sure I can recall ever feeling before. Thoughts were racing through my head on my terror driven adrenaline high, there was a man standing outside my door, a man I knew but I still could not name and I kept repeating "He mustn't know, He mustn't know." Slowly the shadows receded and the man walked past my door and into the kitchen beyond and I broke down sobbing in relief.
At this point my adult self was able to disengage from the abreaction and look at the scene objectively again. I was still crying, I was still feeling it, but a part of my mind could disengage and begin the investigating process. I imagined my adult self all around the child me (who I came to age at 5 yr old) and started the questioning, "Who was that? Who? Who?" With every breath I imagined like I was drawing water from a well, every outtake thinking "Who? Who?" and imaging that I was pulling out the information.
After a couple of minutes I was not able to glean who the man was, though I reinforced the information I already stated, and instead switched to "Why? Why must he not know?" (note I may have asked what he must not know first but this got no answer either way). After a few times asking why he must not know I got the answer, "Because he will act" he would act upon this knowledge. As I stated before I got no direct response to 'what' however there were other mitigating circumstances and feelings that occurred that implied an answer, however I'm not comfortable discussing them online. Maybe after further treatment, but not now.
After several minutes of questioning it became apparent that I could get no new information and, since I knew my time would be up soon anyway, I began to disengage and did what felt right, I comforted the little girl. I told her it was okay, that the danger is long since passed and that there's nothing to fear now. You can calm down and relax, rest. My breathing evened and the tears stopped and I was able to come out of the exercise and explain to Matthew what had happened (I hadn't spoken during the experience). He and I discussed it, he said it was a perfect session by the way, lol, and he thought it couldn't have gone better. We made plans to try regression therapy next week and he assured me that even though it seemed I'd done a good job of wrapping up the memory so it wouldn't bother me in the mean time, that I was welcome to pull him aside at any time this weekend if I was facing any difficulties.
As I talked with him afterward I told him I sat there with this incredible sense of ecstasy. I felt amazing, even having seen what I had seen, having faced the possible issues I would face, I felt fantastic.
Then I tried to get up out of the chair.
And I fell over.
I was drunk on Oxygen, get that.
I have never been so dizzy and had so much vertigo. Though at the time I was still in an intensely blissful state so it was a minor hindrance (trying not to walk into walls) and I remember laughing openly in the parking lot as I leaned against my car and tried to get the world to stop swimming. Finally my balance evened out and I went out for lunch, still in a smashing good mood.
However I hadn't been out of the office 30 minutes before I started to deflate like a balloon. The euphoric feeling left and I was left completely drained of energy, my lunch sitting in my stomach like a rock. I went home and tried to nap for an hour and a half but to little avail (it's hard to sleep when you've got fries sitting on your gut.) So I got up and headed to class early and settled in sluggishly.
Thankfully I was the first to arrive and I had a chance to ask Matthew about the situation and he assured me that it was normal and that I would be right again after a good nights sleep. So reassured that nothing had gone terribly wrong I made it thorough class and even found my strength and sense of balance return somewhat so that I'm not so bad off now as I write this. I as still tired though and I'll probably head right to bed after this.
Thanks to everyone who reads this, you don't have to of course and please know I value you all very dearly as friends. I can't wait to see you all soon.
Aika
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I wish I could write...
I've had some rather awesome characterization breakthroughs in my brain over the last 24 hours and I'm like possessed with the urge to work on this story again.
It's my Amazon themed story (you may or may not know anything about it).
I got turned onto it while I was working on an art competition piece about Hippolyta some months back and was intrigued with the twisted mess that is historical accounts of Amazons. Out of this kefuffle I pulled the stories of three women, sisters and amazons.
As with most of my stories my interest comes and goes but it's recently come back more strongly (mostly after watching clash of the titans I think, put my brain back in that era, lol.)
However I'm faced with a fact I must have know all along but didn't have to actually face before. I can't write.
Just in that I don't have any experience of knowledge of how to go about it. The more I would talk with Tracie the more it showed what a REAL writer looked like and did. And I wasn't it.
I tried to let it go, to stop saying I was gonna write that 'one day' but I keep feeling like I'm letting someone or something down, almost like I can imagine my characters looking at me sadly, disappointed that I'll never let them see daylight.
I acknowledge with work I could probably learn how to write, but I'm not certain I'm up to such effort, especially not now, while I'm in school. I think I might find a happy medium for now though.
I pulled out my notes and drawings and I've rekindled my research and have come across several interesting new plot points that I hope to work in and help stabilize the time line and historical structure of my story. It's hella fun too, ^^.
Well, I can't say if I will ever write this story or not, but it's retaken my attention for now. ^^ I must thank the wonderful writers in my life for rekindling the desire in me.
Aika
It's my Amazon themed story (you may or may not know anything about it).
I got turned onto it while I was working on an art competition piece about Hippolyta some months back and was intrigued with the twisted mess that is historical accounts of Amazons. Out of this kefuffle I pulled the stories of three women, sisters and amazons.
As with most of my stories my interest comes and goes but it's recently come back more strongly (mostly after watching clash of the titans I think, put my brain back in that era, lol.)
However I'm faced with a fact I must have know all along but didn't have to actually face before. I can't write.
Just in that I don't have any experience of knowledge of how to go about it. The more I would talk with Tracie the more it showed what a REAL writer looked like and did. And I wasn't it.
I tried to let it go, to stop saying I was gonna write that 'one day' but I keep feeling like I'm letting someone or something down, almost like I can imagine my characters looking at me sadly, disappointed that I'll never let them see daylight.
I acknowledge with work I could probably learn how to write, but I'm not certain I'm up to such effort, especially not now, while I'm in school. I think I might find a happy medium for now though.
I pulled out my notes and drawings and I've rekindled my research and have come across several interesting new plot points that I hope to work in and help stabilize the time line and historical structure of my story. It's hella fun too, ^^.
Well, I can't say if I will ever write this story or not, but it's retaken my attention for now. ^^ I must thank the wonderful writers in my life for rekindling the desire in me.
Aika
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Quite So!
I'm still on my Holmes kick.
It's in full swing now.
I bought Vol. 1 of "Sherlock Holmes: The Complete Novels and Stories" and I'm on a roll.
Then I found THIS LITTLE GEM and I'm in naughty fangirl heaven (I knew I could count on you DeviantArt).
PLUS!!!! I found THIS AWESOMENESS and it had become like my new Sherlock Holmes Bible (did I have an Old one???).
IN OTHER NEWS
Like I said I went and picked up my Sherlock Holmes book, so yatta.
I came home, ate my lunch and recorded the next months UUCL Podcast openings until it was time to leave for my appt. with Matthew. I should've known I had nothing to fear. We had a very pleasant session with some hypnotic programming (I'm going to try and listen again before I go to bed) and while there was some emotional release there wasn't a complete meltdown (like I'd feared)... That comes later, lol. He did use some EMT (Eye Movement therapy) though and let me tell you, that shit is the BOMB! I can't WAIT to learn it, it's frickin amazing! It seems simple and unassuming on the outside, someone slowly waving their fingers around in front of your face while you follow them with your eyes and they talk about your fear/negative feeling/whatever you wanna get rid of and then talks about how you wont have that anymore but will feel ____ instead. and then when he stops and you look inside, YOU DO!!! The fear/negativity/hindrance is *poof* gone, I'm telling you, it's crazy. We scheduled to meet again next Friday, and as many Fridays as are necessary to resolve my issues. It was very nice and I'm very excited to begin the work soon. Believe me though, a little of the nervousness is still there, but not as bad as before.
Once came back I chatted with NurAllah and then started to read my new book for about 30min (I like how much Loren D. Estleman-the introduction author-loves Watson, god knows I love him too, but I think she's a little daft about the "they're not homosexual" thing. Cause CLEARLY they are, and it is glorious,lol.) Well after my 30min I went for a walk in a nice park with NurAllah and her dog Kali. I wish I had taken some pictures cause there was this courtyard we went to with a huge 3 tiered fountain in the center and surrounded by a circular trellis covered in Wisteria vines, all in bloom. It looked and SMELLED a dream. And it lead me to discover something later.
Gainesville is like overrun with wild Wisteria! You see it all over the place when you drive around! I don't mean like in people's yards, I mean like growing up trees in wooded lots. I never noticed it before since they weren't in bloom, but now that they are you see them all over the place. I love the plant so much but haven't really been bothered to grow them. Maybe I should steal a branch and see if it'll grow.
Anyhoo, after our lovely walk (the weather was simply smashing) I went out in search of a light dinner and after getting thoroughly lost I finally went to a place I could find and bought my food to go, or I'd be late for class. Class was very fun, amusingly enough, because we're starting to delve into the nitty gritty real world stuff like advertising, marketing and the business of running a practice. I just love this 'realistic' how to stuff, it really gives my planning mind fodder to work with. We'll be getting much more in depth tomorrow.
After class I went and grabbed some more food (Joes!) and decided I wanted to see a movie, so I went and saw Alice in Wonderland again, in 2D this time. It didn't lack much, proof that they didn't utilize the 3D to its fullest potential, unlike Avatar (HAHA did it again, I still got it). Though I could spot parts where the 3D would have been utilized, almost like the screen jumped or something like that. I totally enjoyed the real world 'Victorian' dress and culture more though (yay for Sherlock reference ^^) and totally believe Alice and the Hatter are meant to be.
Came home, wrote this, bed time.
Aika
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Yay New Furniture!
'Yatta' for being able to have friends over and not having to sit on the floor!!! XD
In other news, I'm now completely in love with Sherlock Holmes, and Watson too of course. Separately or together, they are just too awesome not to love. Plus have you heard of "The Great Game"??? Sherlock-ians (lol) who treat the Sherlock Holmes stories and literature as not only canon, but as historical fact.
...sweet. X3
Right up my alley ^.^
They acknowledge if pushed that it's fictional, but only if pushed. Totally google the NPR story on it, its frickin awesome.
I watched a super old TV production of one of the Sherlock Holmes stories (The Adventure of the Speckled Band) that was made in like 1946 (black and white, sponsored by Lucky Strike cigarettes, the whole nine yards) and let me tell you, watching that AFTER having seen the Robert Downey Jr./Jude Law Sherlock Holmes (twice) is absolutely hilarious. His pipe man!!!! It was HUGE! It was like a tea cup attached to a stick!!! And poor short/fat/old/dumb Watson, you're not just a comedic relief to me!!! Plus the overall hilarity of the deerstalker and plaid cloak was too much, I'm SO glad they didn't dress Downey in that nonsense, X3 still really cool.
I'm in the process of buying all of the original stories in book form and hope to see what other cool stuff people have written about him.
Does anyone see a pattern? It's kinda like...
...AVATAR-
-comes out of DVD April 22nd! Yay Earth Day!! I think I'll have to break down buy a blue ray player for my HD TV and mourn the loss of the 3D. Though Sony has begun to advertise for 3D TVs, I'll have to check out the prices (for when I buy a house, lol).
Well, I'm writing this from Gainsville as I came up a night early so I wouldn't have to get up at like 4am to drive up on Friday for my appointment with Matthew. Somehow I've been able to avoid thinking about WHY I was leaving early until I typed it up right here.
Me? Nervous?
Never.
Aika
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Thank you Lyle
After finishing off the reading requirements for school, I have done nothing but read Sherlock Holmes/Dr. John Watson slash every waking moment.
And it is glorious.
Aika
Friday, April 2, 2010
Clash of the Titans Review
I'd see it twice but wouldn't suggest you to.
The remake of Clash of the Titans was a solid "Okay" in my very un-empirical scale of movie awesomeness. I very much enjoyed the artistic design (the main reason I'd go back) and it was a very good soundtrack, however the acting and story schematics are very so-so. Plus a lot of the characterization is weak, at best. A lot of problems.
No Sex, no Nudity, but a lot of violence (as is to be expected I suppose.)
I saw this film in 3D, and even being as big a supporter of 3D as I am this film would probably be just fine in 2D. There were only a couple of "in your face" moments and the rest of the film didn't really benefit from the 3D (which is kind of sad cause it really could have in a lot of scenes, just to make the scenery more real.)
I will give the film props though for a more gender balanced view of the Greek myths (though it's not more 'accurate' it's definitely better) especially concerning the humanizing of Medusa (she was a beautiful priestess of Athena) and also including some intense badassery from Io (I don't know if it's factual but it was AWESOME ^^.) All they needed was some Amazons and they'd have been set, lol.
Overall the film left me wanting but not as badly as it could have. Maybe my bar has just been set higher by Avatar, LOL (my mandatory Avatar reference has been met).
Last word: Should see it: 5 out of 10, good enough to see if it's not going out of your way.
Aika
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Return of True Blood!!!
It has finally Arrived!!!
The date of the premier of Season 3 of True Blood has been announced.
And it is June 13th.
ARGH! So close and yet so far away!!!
HBO is running Season 2 reruns on Sunday nights and each Sunday they're airing a new 'in production' clip. They're also releasing Season 3 Collectible posters. Sweet.
The Countdown has begun!
Aika
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